Can I just get an essay test please!!!

Anyone that has tried to live for the Lord for more than a day knows that satan will attack you every chance he gets. Although the Lord allows us to face these tests He is faithful to be there with us till the end. Each test, trying as they may be, is really there to strengthen our faith. Now I have always been a pretty good test taker. Throughout school essay tests were always my favorite. I know, I am kinda weird that way. In high school everyone else groaned when Mrs. Cooper (Sr. English) would announce that the entire final would be done in essay form. I rejoiced! In college, when I found out that every single Philosophy test would be 1 to 3 questions-all essays-I knew I had a A for the semester. Unfortunately, in our Christian walk, we are not normally given the kind of test that we always do well with. Oh no, that would be way too easy and our Christian growth would come so slowly with each effortless battle won. Instead the Lord teaches us the same way that we homeschool our own children.
If you fail the test you retake it until you finally get it right!
This is not some government run system. There is no moving on to the next level until you are really ready. There is no option for skipping ahead. Not only is skipping ahead not allowed, your test will get harder and harder until the lesson is learned through and through.
Let me tell ya, I am really wishing there was an essay test available now! You see, the tests that I am a big failure at are the financial tests and I do believe they may just be the hardest ones out there!
It all started about six years ago. We bought a house with a mortgage payment based on 2 incomes. Within months of buying our house the Lord got ahold  of my heart and opened my eyes to the fact that I was not living for Him or raising my children for Him. No Problem!  We started being faithful to church. A+ Each week, it seemed, brought to light more worldly things we needed to get out of our daily life and we did that (for the most part-I am definitely not claiming to have removed every sinful thing from our home then or now but there were some serious changes fast!) A-  A few more months passed and the Lord showed me where He would have me to be as a mother and a wife-at home! Monty and I immediately began to make plans for that to happen. God saw our plans but implemented His own timing which sped our plans up significantly. We didn't fight it. A It was great to be following the Lord's leadership and each step seemed to be lit with a bright flashing arrow from the Lord leading to the outcome that He desired. Just a few more months and Monty got saved. Now he was also faithfully in church with the kids and I. A++ Another unmistakable flashing arrow appeared showing us that the Lord's plan for children was to be learning from us at home. You got it, Lord! A+ Within about 18 months we went from a 2 income family trying to live the American dream with a new mortgage, a little too much credit card debt, and a car payment to a homeschooling family living on about 1/2 the income we started with and the Lord was faithful through it all. The car and the credit cards were somehow paid off even without the extra income. You would think passing several tests of faith so easily would have built my faith up enough to make it through anything but then the Lord said it is time for you to tithe faithfully and support My church. Ok, we can do that-until something unexpected comes up. B- Whoops! That one wasn't so easy. So we try again C and again D and again F and each test gets harder and harder. I really do understand the importance of honoring God with our finances. I am sure I could write an awesome essay about just that but an essay is just not gonna cut it this time. My heart reminds me that my God is faithful but my head keeps reminding me of that mortgage(based on 2 incomes) that is passed due regardless of the fact that the truck HAD to have 2 new tires because the others had wires sticking out AND 2 new shocks to replace the broken ones that we discovered while changing the tires, AND a new battery because the old one had to be jump started every single time-all in one month. Not to mention the electric bill that should arrive any day now reflecting the charges incurred by 10 days of 100+ degree weather already this summer and it's not even July yet! Oh, yeah-there is still the rest of next years curriculum to buy.
Now I am not telling you these things as an invitation to my own personal pity party but because I need your help!
 NO! I am not asking for money!
I need something with much more value than money. Oh, me of little faith! I need your prayers and I need them badly!!!! You see, I know how this works now. I see how much harder each test gets when you continue to fail and I am really ready to move on. I HAVE to pass this time and there is no easy A coming my way. !

I am now ready to be the keeper of my home

Ok, I have to admit it, I AM NOT A KEEPER OF MY HOME. At least I haven't been so far. I thought I was. I mean I am here everyday and I cook and straighten up and even keep the dishes caught up and everyone in clean clothes but really I AM BAD. I have not been using the spiritual gifts God gave me in my own home. I have done the spiritual gift test and it revealed what I can now see is so obvious. I am an administrator. I love to make things work, I do great under pressure, I like things done a certain way-MY way. This is an explanation of someone with the gift of administration....

"You don't often admit to mistakes (I mean, I WOULD if I made one) and do not like to take time to explain why you are doing things (Isn't BECAUSE I SAID SO! an explanation?); you just expect the job to get done.(OH YEA! That is ME!) If things in the church, office, club, etc. become fragmented, you can harmonize the whole program if given a chance. You are a person with a dream and are not afraid to attempt the impossible(Really?! Is anything REALLY impossible?!). You are goal-oriented, well-disciplined, and work best under heavy pressure.(pressure is good, I need a little pressure) You are often a good motivator(most often, I can get people busy) and not a procrastinator(ok, I do have a tendency to procrastinate but only until the pressure rises to the level I need to GET ER DONE). You are serious minded, highly motivated, intense(so I have been accused a time or two), and have an accurate self-image. You tend to be more interested in the welfare of the group than your own desire. You are probably a perfectionist and want things done your way now(I cant call myself a perfectionist because I am a perfectionist that cant ever get things perfected so I refuse to use the term perfectionist until I live up to it which is impossible so I must not be a perfectionist BUT I want it done MY way and NOW because my way is most often to most perfect way possible to get things done-know what I mean?). Although to others you appear to be organized, you usually aren't(some may think it but I am sooo not most of the time). Be careful that you do not make decisions just based on logic rather than Scripture. Work on your willingness to
admit to making a mistake (yea, I'll get on that part!)and on being more sensitive to "little" people(this most likely means my family, most often). Try to be a little more tolerant of other people's mistakes(if they would have done it my way there wouldn't have been mista....oh yea...tolerant...I'll try harder). Beware of Satan's attack on your gift. He can cause pride(UT-OH) because of your leadership role, selfishness (OH-ME!) because of success (not sharing glory with those under you), blame-shifting when things go wrong(BUT THEY...BUT...BU...OH ALRIGHT!), discouragement and
frustration when goals are not met(I have been living here), anger and mistreatment (yep, ashamed to say, that's my address) of those who disagree with your plans, lack of concern for people, lack of spiritual growth, and wrong motives."

Well that pretty much sums it up! I have been in the "Satan attacking" stage for awhile but the Lord has been working and growing me all along. It all started a while back when I wanted to be the perfect submissive wife so I tried to force my husband to lead in areas he is not made for (doesn't submissive mean force others to do stuff?). He is not an administrator in the least bit. I looked at my spiritual gift as a leadership role and pride stepped in and I felt like I was the head honcho of this whole operation and my husband became one of the "little" people in my eyes. I knew that was not a biblical way to live so I decided my husband had to take on all things I had previously been in charge of and I would just then submit to him and do none of the things I was best at. That led me straight into the discouragement and frustration because things were not getting done. It wasn't that he did not try, man, he gave it his best shot. He is just not wired the same as me. His strengths are not my strengths. His gifts are not my gifts. Oh thank the Lord because if there were 2 administrators trying to administrate the same home it could get really messy! So while my poor husband is doing his best to fill the role God created me to fill as well as filling his own role, he is feeling more and more like a failure because things are getting worse and I am getting more and more frustrated because I know I could get things fixed and back in order but I have to be submissive so I let him struggle and I move in to the anger phase and nothing is right with the universe. Because I have forced some of my role upon my husband, the rest of my role has been adversely affected. I have felt useless and unmotivated. I just can't seem to get anything done because if I can't get it all done the way it needs to be what is the purpose of doing part of it but I can't do all of it because I am to busy being submissive and forcing my husband to do half of it. We have no schedule, there is NO organization, my house is almost condemnable, my children are running amuck and I don't know how to submissively take charge and make things right! Finally-we talk! The Lord has been growing my wonderful husband as well this whole time we have been wandering through our own wilderness. Monty realized (and said-which I give him total props for. It takes a BIG man to admit these things) he is not made to fill the role he has been trying to fill. It is my role and he knows it and I know it and if we just put things back the way God intended it, all could once again become right in our universe. HALLELUJAH!!! I feel like myself again. I have purpose. I am back where God made me to be. My husband is happy because a weight he was not meant to carry is off of his shoulders. He has complete confidence we will be coming out of this wilderness because he knows I have been given the map that can lead us out and he had no way of reading it, God gave it to me and not to him. My home is already looking more "kept" now that the keeper is back. Our kids have been warned that changes are a comin and they are preparing. And I am depending on the Lord to keep me in check when it comes to submitting to my husband. I am learning that being made to take control in certain areas of raising a family and keeping a home does not equal me being the leader of my family. Monty is our leader and he has put me in a position of leadership in some areas, the same areas God gave me the ability to control. So SATAN, GET BEHIND ME! and take your pride and selfishness and frustration and discouragement with you! We won't be needing them anymore.

Confession is good for the soul

I had said before that the reason I had not been posting much lately is because we have been so busy. Well that is true. I am pretty sure yesterday I was hearing about April fool's tricks and then look up and a new month is starting in just a few days. I REALLY don't know where this month has gone. We have not slowed down for a minute. Now on to the confession part....busyness is not the only reason I have not been blogging. I have been in a funk lately. I have allowed the problems of this world to completely overwhelm me. I have not been fun to be around and I would not have been able to post anything that anyone would have wanted to read. You know-"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Well I did not trust myself to say anything. I know I have been awful, especially to my husband, and I have been praying alot for forgiveness and guidance. Monty is just a great enough of a guy that he forgives me and has welcomed my old self back with open arms(boy am I lucky!) and God has started showing my the error of my way and lighting the path for my return. We have been blessed sooo much and the devil hates it. They always say "When God is Blessing-the Devil is stressing" so what does he do. Well he starts working overtime on me(the emotional control freak part of me) and I am ashamed to say I failed the tests too many times in the last few weeks. It has mostly been about money which I know is the stupidest thing to stress about but I did.
God clearly tells us that he will provide our needs.
The devil tries to convince me some things are really NEEDS and not just WANTS and since God hasn't provided it yet He is not going to.
God says to have faith.
The devil tells me I have lacked faith so often God has given up on me.
God says he will always be with me.
The devil says God Can provide but I am such a screw up why would he want to?
God said He will never forsake me. He loves me with an unconditional Love that I will never understand. No matter how much I love my kids or my husband or my sister or my brother-it will never be the same as the love He has for me. I have never decided to not be there and help my own family even with my limited conditional love for them so there is no way God would do that to me.
Then I stop arguing and beg forgiveness.
So there ya have it. That was my month in a nutshell-at least internally. Now that I have that out of my system I promise to catch up on posting about our month externally-and there is a lot to tell about. Hope someone has actually stuck around with me to read all about it!