Saturday, November 26, 2011

Trying to control myself

Within the first few days of being laid up on the couch, the kids and I started talking about what lessons God may have for each of us through this trial. The fact that God knew what was happening and was in control was something I wanted to keep in the fore front of our minds. I began to pray, on my own and with the family, that we would learn the things God had for us to learn. There were many different lessons with selfishness being the big one. I could see right away that my husband and kids would have to put aside any selfish tendencies. Monty and the kids were forced to think of and put my needs before their own for obvious reasons. I COULDN'T take care of myself. I needed help with everything from getting across the room, to getting a drink, to cleaning house. Me and my leg had to be on their minds at all times. When anyone took a shower, they had to remember to make sure there were NO drops of water on the floor because the slightest wet spot would send a crutch out of control and I would be on the floor. When the girls played they always had to remember not to leave any toys laying on the floor or my path would be blocked and I wouldn't be able to get around at all. Monty had to think of things he normally never does; do we need toilet paper, what day is the electric bill due, do the kids have any clean clothes. They were all at my beck and call day and night because there were plenty of times that I needed something I couldn't get to or got into a position that I could not get out of on my own. It seemed rather obvious that God wanted them to put aside their own selfishness, and they were awesome. I was SOOO proud of them...but what lessons did God have for me?
 You see, I really like to be in control of things. I am the first born, I am the leader, I like to take care of business. There are times that I think, well I am doing everything for everyone...where would they be without me...good thing that I'm not selfish or these folks would be lost...and I could go on and on.
Well that is pure selfishness!!
Yes, I normally take care of everything because I am the only one that can do it right (or at least my definition of right). have to  make sure things get done around here or nothing will ever get done (or so I thought). Well it didn't take me long to see that my family is capable of surviving without me. They all ate, took baths, cleaned up and the kids even did a little bit of school WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM ME. No, Kenyon and Keslee did not do the laundry exactly like I do but the clothes were still clean. Even though the clothes did not always end up in the right drawer, they still got put away. Monty did not buy groceries the way I do. Sometimes he brought home things I would never get or even got the wrong thing but it worked just as well. I was helpless without them and they didn't need me to survive.
That is a tough one for this control freak. I was not  accepting my lesson nearly as gracefully as the others. They had so easily dropped everything to care for me and all I could think about was all I would have to do to fix everything when I was finally able. I felt selfish for asking my family to do everything for me. It took me a while to realize that they were happy to help me but I was the one that was unhappy about receiving that help from them or anyone else. God knew that my own selfishness was so deep and hidden that the only way I would be able to  learn this lesson was if I were taken completely out. I HAD to be rendered totally useless for more than a few days in order to even start to see it.  I say start to see it because now I feel like I have barely scratched the surface. I have so much to change. Now that I am able, I am trying not to just take over again. I am trying to find a balance between getting things done and letting others get things done-on THEIR time and THEIR way.  Funny how controlling things has made controlling get so out of control.  I am now attempting to take control of that control. I had always counted my ability to keep things in check as an asset but the Lord has begun to open my eyes to what a liability it really is. A liability to me and every member of my family.

1 comment:

Mobenda said...

Oh my! After last night's message and what you told Preacher, I had to get on here and read your last post. Wow! Praise the Lord! You are a huge encouragement to me. Thanks for that. I owe you a hug - least of all.

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